Well, hello there. 

So in the three and a half years since I was fourteen and sitting in my room in Florida obsessing over General Hospital, I grew up.  Apparently.

See, I'm not the little kid who was in a place she hated and who had just lost six of the best friends she'd ever had. 

No, now I'm the mature eighteen-year-old, a freshman at NYU, who is in a place she hates, and only has the friends from home... and none others.

But I'm not just that anymore.  I'm not defined by my past or present or future.  I'm defined by the people who know me and who love me.  By the people I know and love.  I always said that I hated Dreyfoos, that I wanted to leave and never return.  But the funny thing is... that Dreyfoos turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  Because without it, I would never be who I am.  I would never have met Molly, Dan, or Maresa.  I would never have fallen in love with film. 

And I'm sure that even though I hate NYU right now, one day it will get better.  One day, maybe, it'll become my second home, and I'll make friends who aren't QUITE as awesome as Ash and Molly and Dan and Maresa and Benay, but who come pretty close. 

And... well, if it doesn't?  If I sit here for years and never make any sort of connection to the city of New York or its inhabitants?  Maybe then I'll find a new place.  Maybe I'll go home to Boston, or west to California, or east to London.  But wherever I go, I will never let go of my friends or my family.  Ever.  Sorry, guys.  You're stuck with me.

----

"Dan, what are you doing?"
"I'm going to the bathroom."
"NOT IN MY ROOM!"

----

~Sara 

Back To You Lyrics

Because i love REXIS!!!!

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
And I quit every game I've played
But forgive me love
I can't turn and walk away

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette

Should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you could not do

Oh I will
Leave the light on
I'll never give up on you
Leave the light on
For me too

Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be

~Dedicated to Alexis & Ric, General Hospital 2005

a poem... for you

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go, you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret no one knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings

I've been dreaming...

i have the urge to write, to express all the feelings i have inside me and to get them out on paper.  i want to create my anger, my happiness, my lonliness. 

and so ive decided to do so, right here for everyone to see.

mood: i haven't a clue anymore

music: Do-Re-Mi

I was looking at my agenda, you know, the one from last year.  It was so nice, like a looking glass back to the happy days, the ones where i didn't have to worry so much or be angry so much.

I saw all of our old jokes, the funniest and the stupidest, but even the stupidest were funny; i knew that i would always understand them and that everyone who was a part of them would remember them forever, too.

i remember which jokes everyone belonged to... like

Radka was "pink's a color, not a cult"

Sanna, "Noooooooo! I BROUGHT YOU YOUR SANDWICH! BUT I'M TOO LATE! FANTASTIC!"

Christina: "What are you doing now?" "There's something in your nose." "So?" "I want it."

Caitlin: "HOLY PANCAKES BATMAN!" (hence giggly pancakes)

Hilary: "Quartic - it's like arctic, but not."

Ashley: "itchy mitch nitch itch"

There were others, too.  Like "a vast sea of ocean", "give me your lip gloss... and your feet", "Radkada", "84", "Potter Puppet pals", "a sandwich with eggs... and ham", among so many others.

and i remembered how and when they all surfaced.  and i missed it.

and i'm sorry.

i'm sorry for everything i ever did, how bad i made people feel, how wrong it was of me to do to everyone and everything.  i wish... i wish last summer had never happened; that everything was back to the way it used to be, when we could all get along and everything was great.

all i ask is for forgiveness; i'm ready to go back to whoever it was that i used to be, and change everything that has changed me.  i wish i had my old life back, the one where i could look out the window and love everything i saw.  i could plan parties, hang outs, get togethers, and actually have time for my friends and my studies.  i didn't have to worry about getting a high enough GPA to get me into Boston University so i could finally go home again.  every day was different, nothing was ever the same as the day before.  everyday came a new joke, a funnier story, and we would all have the time of our lives... and though we may not have thought so then, middle school was the best years of our lives.

and i'm not saying that we should live in the past, but that we need to hold on to what was in our past... and continue to make it and other things part of our future.  because i don't want to miss out on having six of the best people i've ever met as my best friends.  

i miss you, Ayelet, Christina, Sanna, Radka, Hilary, Caitlin, Ashley, Emily, and so many other people who i dont get to see everyday anymore.  and i look forward to summer, so we can finally have some fun.

luv to all, my northern friends and my southern - Benay, Lacey, Libby, Eric, Dan, Gabby, Honee, JeanPaul, Katelyn, Molly, Jacob, and Nathan (and more) ~ Sara

Well, it's wednesday.

hooray.

not that you care.  but i'm really bored of vacation right now, and i'd like very much to hop the next flight to Boston so i can finally see someone.  i'm so sick of having little to no contact with my best friends - especially ashley, because our fave shows are starting and i can't even tell her about it!!!!!

ASHLEY MARY TAYLOR PLEASE SIGN ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

well, i'm coming home 1/27, caitlin's birthday.  or possibly the 26th? i don't know. no one tells me anything.  whatever.

so everyone here is freaking out because it's going to be 38 degrees on saturday night.  big whoop.  i suppose it's like -38 up there, right?  yeah, that's what i thought. 

so i guess that's it for today.  beauty and the geek is on tonight at 9, so ash if you read this you know, and dancingwiththestars starts tomorrow at 8, i think.  and ai starts 1/17 at 8, and GILMORE GIRLS finally restarts next tuesday at 8!!!!!!!! YES!

~sara

Yeah, so yesterday we got back from our week-long cruise to the Caribbean aboard the Caribbean Princess, the largest ship in the Princess fleet.  and let me just say, the boat sucked.

not that i didn't like the cruise, it wasn't bad. but i hated the boat.  it was big, and the inside was pretty, i guess, but it could have been better.  and the food was awful.  fake orange juice and the pancakes were gritty.  the dinner was five course, but i usually only ate a caesar salad and a roll, since the menu was all fancy hoity-toity foods like pate and broiled zander, whatever that is.  the waiter was really mean, too.  my cousin asked for a garden salad, and he actually said no.  i mean, what kind of waiter says no when you order something?  come on.

and there were all these rules.  like there had to be an adult in every room, kids couldnt have their own rooms.  you had to be over 21 to even set foot in the casino or play bingo.  you had to be 18 to go in the hot tub.  you had to be between 13 and 17 to participate in any teen activity.  you had to pay for sodas and other drinks besides coffee, tea, milk, juice, and water.  no free ice cream.  it cost $80 to play bingo, and even still you lost because the machines were rigged. 

and don't even get me started about st. maarten.  first of all, we had a plan to go to the beach with the entire family, but then my aunts and uncles decided they wanted to go shopping instead, so we went on our own.  we were docked on the dutch side, where everything was in english and the beaches were normal.  i would have been happy just walking right down the street to the nice little cove near the shops and swimming, but no, we had to rent a jeep and drive all the way over the mountains to the french side.  and every single side was in french, so guess who got to translate? i hate french, but even still i kept automatically translating.  on my vacation.  and the beach? well, after it took us an hour to finally find it, after going down a small road right past the nudist resort, we ended up at our destination: Orient Beach, where all the jet skis and other water sports are located.  but guess what else?  it's clothing optional. 

that's right.  my parents took me to a nude beach. 

and let me just say, it was one of the most truly horrifying hours of my life.  about 40% of the women were topless; everywhere i turned there was another lady wearing just a bikini bottom.  and a few of them were past the 400 lb mark.  it was mentally scarring.  and there was a dude, he was at least 60 years old and weighed about 300 pounds.  his thong was bright blue, and about ten sizes too small for him.  i was sitting on a chaise, staring straight ahead, fully dressed, under a towel with my hat on and wearing my glasses, because if i stared straight, there were no boobs or anything, and i could watch my mom swim.  and guess where he decided to stand.  right dead center.  *twitch*  then he turned around and walked toward me, because our chairs were in front of the bar and stuff, and the front was almost as bad as the back.  oy vey, i almost passed out.  i was under a towel.  and he kept walking by, too. 

on the first full day at sea, it was formal night.  my cousins spent a half hour straightening my hair, but it didnt work very well.  they blow dried and flat ironed.  there were 2 flat irons going in my hair at once.  one of them put my hair in this ridiculous half ponytail, one of those loose ones that all the preppy people wear.  it looked awful on me.  but my dress looked good, so it was okay.

the next day i got my hair cut by this guy named ken.  he was the head of the onboard beauty salon, and he was from south africa.  and apparently head of the hairstyling for the ford model agency on the side.  he did my mom's hair, so now it's blond.  i dont like it.  but when he did my hair, he pulled really hard while combing it out, and it hurt so bad.  i cried.  it killed.  i dont think he did a very good job, since it's longer on one side than the other.  i miss my old hairdresser!!!!

i finally got to see in her shoes on wednesday night.  it was every bit as good as i thought it was going to be.  i loved it.  i also got to see in good company, sisterhood of the traveling pants, and part of hitch while on board.  oh yeah, and the end of back to the future, part of phantom of the opera, and part of some weird indiana jones flick i hated.  my cousins spend the whole cruise sleeping and tanning and stuff.  all while listening to their iPods.  i'm getting a nano tomorrow.  my cousins are a lot different than me.  they like all the normal girl teen stuff, like hair straightening and sleeping, and watching mr and mrs smith, and dancing.  i went to a hip hop class with them on thursday - big disaster.  i can't hip or hop, let me tell you. 

but i guess it was okay, despite everything.  i like spending time with my family, and sometimes i had fun.  whatever.  i missed just sitting at my computer all day.  and i couldnt talk to any of my friends.  well, i got to call benay while we were in St Thomas, but that's all. 

whatever.  i come home at the end of january, so i'll see you all then!

 

~sara

yeah so this is my first entry in like, what, four, five months?

 

oh well.

so to all of you who know me, hello again.

i decided to update today, although i'm not exactly sure why.  but i did in fact survive my biology and math finals, and i think i may have passed journalism for the term.  isnt it great?

i hate school.

but more importantly i hate you.

 

kidding!

   So today was day 2 of four grueling days of final exams- our first as high schoolers!  TOmorrow is french and english, oh the joy.  thursday should be relatively easy, as it's only production and ap geography.  and why is this blog so green?  i hate green. i should figure out how to fix that... oh well.

   we were just heading down the hill to see if they were selling cookies in the cafeteria, and the bell rings.  so we had to run back up the hill to the third floor of building 1.  we saw dizzy, so we left benay and ran up without her.... they're totally going to go out.. he's now single.  journalism was pretty easy, i guess, but the directions were confusing.  and they didnt save me any pizza.  but other than that, it was pretty okay. 

   and we played iSpy on the computer. that was interesting.  especially when eric got really mad at dustin because he wouldnt click on something, and he started swearing over a game on scholastic.com.  before that, we accidentally dropped a pink-frosted poptart on the table, and we poured maple syrup on it.  i paid melvia 50 cents to eat it, but then eric decided to draw on it with a silver sharpie and it was sort of strange. 

   i'm home by myself tonight... friends of my parents dont like me and wont let my parents take me out to dinner with them.  not that i want to spend time in public with my parents or anything, but theyre going to California Pizza Kitchen and i really want a sandwich.  no one cares.... oh well.

   ooh!!!!  FOUR DAYS UNTIL THE CRUISE!!! HECK YES!  my mom thinks there are going to be pedophiles on board or something, so i'm not allowed to walk around by myself.  curses of the youngest family member, i guess.  i hate being the youngest.

   and seeing as how my cousins are going to sleep until 1:00 pm every day (aren't you supposed to get up in the AM???) i have to, too, because there's no phone service to call my mother to come get me because i'm not allowed to walk around on the boat by MYSELF!!!! *angry muttering*

   but there will be cookies.  BEHOLD THE COOKIES!

 

yeah...

 

~sara

hey, i guess i havent posted in awhile, eh?

so this is me posting.

what do you think?

please read my newest story, Wish Upon a Star  - it sucks ass.  but please review anyway!!   

hi, everyone, i feel like being deep, so this is me being deep.

   I walked out of school today so excited for the weekend and happy it was friday.  Then it hit me: this is our LAST weekend as middle schoolers!  This weekend is the last we have knowing that we will return to school on monday.  we have 5 days left until summer vacation and high school.  i have 2 days to get my story in to ms mick so she can read it before i leave for the summer.  5 days to finish the script, and screenplay so we can finally begin to work on the movie.  and 5 days left of three of the best years of our lives. 
   i came to this school in the 6th grade and i missed my old friends, who were still in FLA.  i knew only one person here, and i naturally figured she would be my best friend for the whole three years.  i was never more wrong in my life.  by the end of the first term of the year, i had so many new friends that i didnt know what to do with them.  i was friends with caitlin, and so by default i was friends with hilary, and then by sitting in science daily with christina, we became friends.  i also knew jackie and emily from art, and solonge and ksusha from music.  i met sanna and ayelet in 7th grade, and radka, devon, and kara as well.  i moved to this street and was friends with kenzie.  and to think i never thought i would make friends.  now when i look back, i realize that coming here was the best choice i ever made.  i am going to miss y'all in high school so much, and i hope to G-d that i dont end up in FLA because the thought of leaving all of my 'sisters' scares the shit out of me. 
   I really <3 y'all  
    *~*sparkle*~*

word of the day: sagacious
saying of the day: 'LETS PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE!'

next foamy: june 30: pancake madness


PADRES: 11W-4L
COME ON WE CAN STILL MAKE 1st PLACE, LADIES!!!
I <3 MY GIRLS- GO DOOGERS FEEL SPECIAL!!!! ---- you rock, Coolleen!!


*~*sparkle*~* 

ich spreche Deutsch.  ich spreche Deutsch nicht gern, ich spreche Deutsch und du nicht liest meine Schreiben.  Heute ist heiss und die Sonne scheint, ich gefalle diese nicht.